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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Fzt4Q9VCpc
This video....
I'm not a student anymore. I had no idea who I really wanted to be when I was. Because that's really the question - not "who am I?" The truth is anyone can become any person they really want to be. I'm not saying anybody can just decide to be an Olympic champion or astronaut or whatever - life gets its say too. But who you are - what you care about, what you become involved in, the people you spend too much time around so you start morphing into each other - these are decisions, not discoveries.
But really, this video made me wonder - even if I'm not a student and don't have the time (or even the civil rights, thank you, military) to protest -
why doesn't America seem to care about this war?
why are we okay with the discovery that we INVADED a nation that posed NO threat to us?
Invaded: ground troops, tanks, bradleys, airstrikes, COLLATERAL DAMAGE and everything - and we're alright with that?
Saddam was an evil man that had to be stopped.
There are many evil men in this world. Most of them, we just don't care about. But I guess most of them aren't sitting on a significant portion of the world's oil reserves.
He was killing and torturing so many people. And now it is so much worse.
How bad would your life have to be in order for you to wish you were still living under the rule of Saddam?
Pretty damn bad.
And if it were me, I'd sure wish the people responsible for giving me such a life felt pretty damn terrible about it.
Sure, there will always be war - there will always be evil men that need to be stopped - there will always be too many people ready to spill each other's blood.
But why does that mean we don't care?
How am I okay with what I do in the Army? And why does it seem so silly for me to need to say these things?
Why don't we care?
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| What is your biggest fear? .........What is your greatest fear?
And would you answer the two questions differently?
You know how every kid has one recurring nightmare that haunts himorher through hisorher childhood? (Childhood being the period in life, I guess, when you don't have to feel guilt for defaulting to a masculine singular third-person pronoun.) According to the number of times I've dreamt of a specific fear, my worst fear is Captain Hook. I have no idea why he would ever want to kidnap me specifically, or why he would use "bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish" to pick his victim, but what makes him a truly bad man is how he cheats at the game in order to screw me over. I almost wish I were still afraid of Captain Hook. Which is worse: evil or confusion?
Of course, my biggest fear is something along the lines of global warming, terrorism, and imperialist corruption leading to the realization of every prophecy in Revelation. (Minus the stars falling out of the sky I guess - I'm not quite sure how greenhouse gases or evil men - or women - would manage that one. Perhaps the prophecy was referring to all the space colonies science fiction says we were supposed to have built by 2011.)
My greatest fear right now, due to immediate relevance, is losing myself to the Army. There was always something about military personnel I didn't really like, no matter what branch they served. Nothing that made them bad people - it is still nearly impossible not to feel respect and almost awe for the idea of a soldier. But I always had this sense that the military had somehow given them blinders to wear - and the sense that they felt the blinders distinguished them from the poor, misguided, but very nice people around them. Some branches seem to be worse than others, and in the end it all depends on the specific unit, but the people always seem extraordinarily focused on time, appearance, and order in every little corner of life - to the neglect of people, joy, and real life - whatever the hell that is.
My family grew up with our noses in books, but they gave us a sense that somehow something important is going on at any given time that could turn into a great story later. They gave all of us kids, probably to our own disadvantage, a philosophy that souls should remain forever young, and the belief that the moment our sense of humor, weirdness, and random adventure dies - well, the rest of our body and mind might as well follow to the depths of Hades, too. But I don't think I'm the only one from our family to be wondering right now whether the philosophy is true or relevant at all - and even if it is, wondering whether it's possible for such a philosophy to survive life in "The Real World." Or more accurately, whether it is possible for a person with such a philosophy to survive.
18 months since I signed the papers. I worked so hard to get into the Army - the initial 4-mile walk to the recruiting station, so much paperwork, losing a couple points of body fat percentage (according to Army methods of measurement which have been proven irrelevant and inaccurate, and have now been traded for other methods which no one has any way to prove are actually any better). I was so convinced it was the right decision. I've had my chances to get out. I could leave now. But everybody has their price. Mine is negative money. They could offer $300,000 bonuses I could pass up easily - new cars, fancy houses, a harem of dark-eyed Brazilian men - it's the negative money that gets me. The idea that if I leave, I have $30,000 to pay. School loans - offering bright, new futures full of shiny dreams limited to anything that can pay the monthly bills.
I didn't want my life crammed into a sardine can of marketable skills. So in pursuit of absolute freedom, I enroll for the sector of society with fewer individual rights than any authoritarian dictatorial regime in history. And I stay there. It's a brilliant plan, really - as long as I can come out the other side still as a person and not another little unit in a school of fish. That's the feeling - waterboarding. They're trying to make us grow gills (if we weren't born as the type of person to crave ultimate discipline and authoritarian figures in our lives), so they hold our heads under pointless rules (mostly to do with punctuality, never speaking to people too many ranks above you, and forever and always, appearance) with threats of push-ups and exercises learned from retarded monkeys on lsd, duty from 6 in the morning until 10 or later at night for as long as your sergeants feel you need it, or even taking your rank and half your paycheck. Where else can they take your pay for being late? ("Late" usually meaning "less than 10 minutes early.") Where else is it a cardinal offense to wander in just-on-time even once to any of the three "work calls" every weekday or the occasional weekend guard shift?
But - you get used to it after a while. You hold your breath and deal with it because life stays easier that way. You paste your 5 or 6 patches on your uniform every single morning, double check your black-ink pens and slew of "inspectable items," and gear up a little extra pep for your voice when you answer the inevitable morning "How's it going?" from every senior NCO. I think it's a security thing - like with sorority girls. They feel so much better about themselves if we give the impression we'd like to be them someday. If cars could run on envy like sergeants and socialites, America would be the top energy producer in the world.
And then you catch yourself joining the ranks just a bit. You feel bad for "letting your sergeants down." You spend extra free time reshaping and reshaping your beret - spend money on serious pens that fit into your uniform better.... and then you feel the condescension as another soldier scurries into the back of the formation a couple seconds too late.
The only breaths of air I've had from this waterboarding are my family and old friends. Here's to hoping it's enough to get me through with gills small enough to discard later.
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| wow. believe it or not, i am still alive. no matter how outdated my xanga is.
i have been in the army for 11 months now. so bizarre. and it's absolutely impossible to explain the army unless u have experience in it - something magic happens the first night you sleep in the barracks, the first time u meet a drill sergeant, first time you clean a rifle, and you all of a sudden just get it. you understand the love/hate relationship with everything military, the totally ridiculous proportion of it that is silly and tedious and "good training", the strange pride u still take in it ... sometimes, the totally crappy and somehow still awesome equipment u get issued - and then get sick of b/c it sucks carrying it around. being in the army is not really difficult at all. just annoying. and u find people u love and want to make your bff-aeaeae (yes, most army ppl around came straight out of high school and are still not old enough to drink - hence the retro acronyms). and u find people u very quickly cannot stand and would like to never see or hear (or smell!) ever again.
ohhhh - i'm forgetting. the very worst part of the army for me right now - is the 4id (4th infantry division - division being really really big and having thousands of people in it) song - the song we have to sing every morning at 6:30 after saluting the flag and before pt. yayyyy. not only do military people generally not sing well - we're forced to sing at unholy hours of the morning about how fit and ready and totally psyched we are. no seriously - we punch the air while pretending to yell "our soldiers ROAR for freedom" at 0631 every single morning mon-fri. we were so bad last week our sergeants made each line of our formation sing it again by themselves. what's better than a round of the 4id song? 6 ROUNDS OF THE 4TH ID SONG!!
okay i'm done w/ making fun of our unit's "team spirit" - it's just that sort of thing that makes me happy in a weird sort of way to have been chosen for this month's funeral detail. we have one week of learning to fold flags and carry caskets and fire the volleys in honor of the dead - and then we go to whatever funerals they call us to over the next 3 weeks. it's a little strange - especially since we've practiced so many times we're already pretty numb to it. but at least it's something REAL. it's the first time in years i've had a job that i really felt is truly going to matter to somebody.
on other matters, i am going to get a fishtank. w/ 2 fish and a snail - yellow mystery. i have a new car - well "new" w/ a couple hundred ... thousand miles on it - but it's ok b/c the 2 sunroofs totally make up for it. hmm, and our not-yet-5-month-old puppy, mimi, weighs over 40 pounds. she is awesome. i would post a picture if i were rich enough to buy a digital camera yet. and for anyone still in north carolina - i'm tentatively planning to visit the first few days of august - let me know if u wanna do something - but call or im b/c, as u can see, i never check this thing.
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| soooo - the news is finally spilling whether i'm ready or not so here
goes: i enlisted in the army - active duty - 4 years - i leave for
basic training august 3rd. no seriously - it's true. but i'm really
excited - people are finally not arguing with me about it anymore, and
i actually can't wait to start the job. the bad part is i keep spending
hours at a time looking up everything i can about basic training and
fort leonard wood (my bct site) so i have no time for myst anymore
=( i can't wait till they finish
processing my papers so i can get my email account and everything...
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| wow - i feel like my whole semester has just been totally unproductive.
and school-wise so was this spring break - my goal was 1/2 hour to an
hour of homework per night - and i did nothing.
but this bronx trip was just about the most awesome week ever. at first
i was a little disappointed b/c i kept comparing it to the past couple
of years - but it turned out to be one of the best experiences i've
had. not just b/c the team was really fun - huggy and goofy and
easygoing - but we really had a good unity and i feel like being more
relaxed helped us get closer to the church and neighborhood as well.
there were so many people that really seemed to be making sincere
connections - it was really exciting. and we got to help tutor this
year which i really loved though i wish i could've done it more
consistently rather than just one day. we didn't see a show, but we saw
rasheed williams in bubba gump's celebrating his adorable little
daughter's 2nd birthday! and we helped w/ these community surveys the
church is compiling so we got to hear from residents what they think of
the neighborhood and what they think is needed. i only wish we'd been
allowed to go into the apartments and sit down w/ the families b/c that
was some of my favorite time there. and of course there was the
dance-off on friday which was crazy!! kudos to nyam and jay and bj for representing duke - and doing a very fine job of it - i just have to get some video of it =D
it's kinda hard to explain why i love the bronx so much - the people
feel more real, i feel more focused, and i definitely feel God moving
there. even when it's draining and difficult, i feel so much more alive
there it can be really difficult to come back. sooo - i want to go back
over the summer. i was talking w/ pastor tom, and i really don't want
to be selfish in my experience - i want to help the church rather than
be another person they have to train and escort and keep track of and
put more resources into. so i'd probably spend 3-4 days of the week
helping in the office to free people up to go visiting and prayer
walking and helping the summer teams. i'd definitely be helping with
kidz explosion which is ENORMOUS during the summers, and pastor tom
thinks it'd be really good for me to get involved with the women's
group on friday nights to connect with lidia, salome, and the others.
that ministry is definitely growing and one of the more intimate
ministries which makes me even more excited.
i might also get to go to detroit with them! they're going for 2 weeks
towards the end of june, and running 3 ministries. in east detroit,
they'll set up inflatable stuff and have outdoor youth rallies and that
sort of thing. in west detroit, they'll be doing a lot of prayer
walking and relational stuff - that's the really hardcore area of
detroit. pastor tom described it like a warzone - basically the south
bronx 12 years ago - aka, pretty scary. and in south detroit, there's a
pretty big middle-eastern community (sorry if that's not pc - i don't
know what is or isn't anymore), and they're working w/ a big iraqi
church w/ a lebanese pastor who used to be a leader of hamas!! i don't
know how else to say this but I AM SO EXTREMELY EXCITED!!!!!
i've just got to raise a little money to buy food while i'm there -
i'll be staying w/ the lovely cathy again =) if it all comes
together...... i don't know why it wouldn't but i'm afraid to talk
about it in too certain terms. so yes - come to the bronx this summer if u don't have plans yet!
and be praying for me too if u can - i can't wait to be back - i can't
wait to tackle vonetta again and talk to pastor tom (one of the most
godly men i've ever met) and get to know lidia and angel and tommy (his
amazing wife and daughter and son) and hang out w/ all the teens and
kids and everybody and eat at honduran restaurants and perhaps work w/
cephas in his cleaning business (how awesome would that be??) and see
detroit and finally feel whole again..... i love all of our team!
i love the bronx! come visit me this summer if u're in the area!!!
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